This is me...

This is me...
I'm having a mom moment....

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I HATE Not Knowing

Uncertainty sucks.  I am dealing with a lot of uncertainty at the moment.  If you have been following my blog, then you know that I do not like my husband's company -- mainly because they treat their employees horribly and the management SUCKS.  I see proof of this everyday, but about 18 months ago, they told everyone of the supervisors (which is what my husband is) that over the next year and a half, they were going to be eliminating positions.  They told them to think of the next 18 months as one big job interview where they could prove their worth to the company.  I thought that it sounded an awful lot like psychological warfare.  It has had little effect on my husband who has a very "Zen" approach of "Whatever will be, will be -- worrying about it won't change it."  However, for me, with my lists and budgets and contingency plans, the last 18 months have been torturous. 

I like stability and security.  I have had the knowledge of April 2012 looming in the back of my mind, gnawing at my subconscious every time I try to make plans.  Can we go on vacation?  I don't know because I don't know what our situation will be.  Should I replace this or that for the house?  I am not sure that it would be wise since we might need that money in a few weeks.  It is ever present in my thoughts as I try to plan things. 

Then, this week, I discovered that my husband's unit is the only one that has not settled on their final staff.  All of the other units have already told their employees who will and who won't have a job.  AND -- those who have been notified that their positions are being eliminated have been allowed to apply for the positions in my husband's unit.  Which means that if there are 20 guys in his unit vying for the 15 open positions, now they are not just competing against each other, but also all of the other people in his plant that have been told that their positions will no longer exist.  What a horrible way to deal with people -- these guys all have their own situations with homes and families and some of them are about to have their worlds turned upside down.  It almost makes me hope that he won't get one of those positions and we could just go back to Alabama and start over.  Almost.

Then yesterday, I stupidly went online and started looking at the school that my oldest will transfer to next year for the 5th grade.  I found out that it is only ranked 5 out of 10 on Greatschools.com.  They have a history of overcrowding, disciplinary problems, and bullying issues.  And their academics are below the state average (which isn't saying much).  So now, I am worried about him getting beat up and picked on in his new school, as well as still being concerned about the elementary school where my 2nd oldest goes.  The 3rd child (who we think might be on the spectrum) will start there next year.  She does well in her little preschool where she is one of 8 kids in her class, but I am worried about how she will do in a much larger classroom where she could very well be one of 25.  So I started looking for the better schools in our general area.  I found out that we wouldn't have to move far, and since we rent, moving was (in theory) a feasible possibility.  But then I realized that the houses for rent in those better school districts are $800 or more a month higher rent than where we are now.  There goes that solution.  So I am gearing up to go all "Mama Bear" next year to keep my kids safe.  That is, if we are still here, of course.

How sad is it that I am now sort of hoping that my husband gets fired so that we can go "home" to Alabama, get in a better job situation and a better school district?  Finances be damned -- we would make it work and probably be happier.  I'd have such a big support system that I could work if I had to as well, thus helping with the financial strain.  In the meantime, I will keep trolling the job boards and looking for something better, closer to home.

I know that this isn't a funny post....in fact, as I re-read it, I realize that it is sort of depressing.  Sorry about that.  But I started writing other posts and couldn't stay focused because THIS -- all of this crap -- was too much on my mind.  So hopefully now that I have it all out, I can (sort of) let it go.  Yeah, probably not really.

9 comments:

kismitj said...

hang in there and remember to breathe.
for the little you suspect might be on the spectrum have you contacted your local ESD about an early intervention program? many do testing totally free.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

{{hugs}}I hope everything turns out for the best for you all!

itsadomelife said...

Your husbands job sounds like an episode of survivor. Bad management can make so many lives miserable. These are people's lives they shouldn't be treating it like a game. I am a worrier so I totally get your inability to be zen about the unknown in this situation. I can imagine you are having some sleepless nights. There is so much riding on whether he keeps the job or doesn't. I hope what ever happens brings you relief and happiness.

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veryverybusymom.com said...

I hate when I'm in a limbo state of not knowing - especially when the outcome affects my family. However, I believe that God's plan is always better than my plan, and when I look back in retrospect, the thing that seemed like the worst thing that could have happened turned out to be a good thing. Sometimes it's an opportunity for growth. Other times it gives me an uncomfortable learning experience that becomes valuable later. Keep doing the legwork on schools, get really involved in the schools so you know what's going on first-hand, & try to get the obsession of uncertainty out of your head. On to the next blog. Maybe a funny one.

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DFAforex said...

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