Explaining Death To My Kids Reminded Me About Life

Death is hard.  It is even harder when you have to explain it to your children and answer their questions about it. 

This past week, my great aunt passed away.  Now, I don't know if it's a Southern thing, but I have found that many people seem to be surprised that my family had a close relationship with my great aunt.  We have close relationships with a LOT of our extended family -- aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd and 3rd cousins, great aunts and uncles, -- literally everyone.  We have big families, and we know them and love them and are involved in each other's lives.  So when my great aunt passed, we were sad and we made time to travel to her hometown a few hours south for the funeral.  This was the first funeral for my 2 youngest and I wanted them to be as prepared as possible since death is a difficult concept for adults in many cases and they are only 4 and 5.  Also, they have yet to develop that voice in their heads that tells them "Hey, you shouldn't say that out loud because it could offend someone" so I wanted to try to get a little ahead of their possible reactions to hopefully keep them from embarrassing themselves (but mostly me).  The night before the funeral, I sat down with the 2 of them to discuss what would happen the next day and to answer any questions that they might have.  This is that conversation to the best of my recollection:

So you guys know that Aunt Martha died and that we are going to go to her funeral tomorrow, right?

Yeah.

Do you know what a funeral is?

No.

Okay, well I thought I'd talk to you guys about it a little bit so that you'd know what to expect and so that I could answer any questions that you might have, okay?

(Nods of assent from both)

When someone dies, the people that loved them come together to talk about them and their life and to comfort one another because they are sad that they are gone.  It will be at a funeral home, which is a place especially made for funerals.  Aunt Martha's body will be there, and we will be able to see her.  She will be in a coffin which is a box that they will bury her in. 

In the GROUND? 

Yes, they will bury her in the ground after the funeral.  The funeral will be sort of like church -- we will be quiet, listen to people talk about Aunt Martha and about death, and there will be prayers and maybe singing.  It is important that we sit quietly during this part, okay?

(Nodding)

When the funeral is over, we'll get in the car and drive to the cemetery.

Like the graveyard?

Yes.

Will there be ghosts there?

No.

What about zombies? Will there be zombies there?

No, there will not be zombies there.  When we get to the graveside, there will be a few more words spoken, probably a prayer, and then we will leave before they bury her, okay?  Do you guys have any questions?
 

At this point, I was sort of patting myself on the back.  I thought I had done a pretty good job preparing them without going into unnecessary details that would only confuse them.  I was expecting them to have a few general questions, but nothing major.

Can we watch?

Watch what? 

Watch them bury her. 

No. 

Why?

It's not proper to do that. 

Why?

Because it's just not. 

Where will they bury her?

In the cemetery.

But where?

In the ground.

But where in the ground?

Well, in her hometown.

BUT WHERE?! 

In the ground, next to her husband, in the cemetery, in her hometown.   

(Shocked) You mean they killed her husband too??!!  

NO!  He died before you were born -- he's been buried a long time. 

Like with the dinosaurs?

 So maybe I gave myself a little too much credit.  Or maybe I gave THEM too much credit.  But in any event, I had talked to them about what to expect and I felt a little better about everything.  After a little bit more discussion about death and how Aunt Martha had lived a long time and that she had died because she was old, etc. we went to bed so that we could head out the next morning.

When we got to my aunt's house the day of the funeral, my fears about the 5 year old's lack of a verbal filter were renewed.

Who lives here?

This is Aunt Martha's house.  

But she died. 

Yes, but this is her house. 

She died because she got really, really old, right? 

Yes. 

Just like you will die someday when you get really old, right mom? 

(Okay, thanks for that brutal reminder about my mortality). 

So we got dressed and went to the funeral home.  All of our family was there (including the 11 grand kids from our side of the family) and the kids seemed to be taking everything in and not freaking out at all.  I did have to stop all of the kids from running and laughing through the funeral home during the visitation -- they were playing some version of hide-n-go-seek.  I sent them outside, problem solved. 

The funeral home that hosted my family is very nice and the set up is good because it is adjacent to the cemetery.  When the funeral was over, we only had to drive through the parking lot and into the pretty large cemetery.  As we were winding through the graveyard, the 4 year old looked out the window at the headstones, puzzled:

Wait....are all of those rocks DEAD PEOPLE?!

(the 5 yr. old) Yep!  All them flowers too!

Sooooo.....will Aunt Martha grow into a rock?  Or a flower?

(the 5 yr. old) No!  They don't plant you.  They put you in the ground and then they put the rocks and flowers on top of you.

So you can't get out and be a zombie?

(the 5 yr. old) Yeah.

Creepy.
 

 I didn't try to correct any of this.  I was just thankful that this discussion had happened in the car.

In the end, the service was beautiful, my aunt was laid to rest with respect, and my kids made it through their first funeral with no emotional scarring and no embarrassing comments in front of other people.  Funerals are hard matter how old you are, and I am proud of my kids for the way that they behaved.  They may have had an inappropriate comment or conversation, but they lightened my mood with them.  Their curiosity and precociousness throughout the day were a welcomed reminder that life goes on and that we should always ask questions, be silly, and LIVE while we can, the best that we can.

Happy Thanksgiving!! (No Interventions Needed)

Thanksgiving. 


There are a lot of stereotypes about Thanksgiving -- from the food, to the football, to the day after shopping insanity.  But the number one stereotype about Thanksgiving is the stressful family time.  There are jokes about stuffing the turkey with Prozac, holding an intervention, or drinking to make it bearable.   I get these jokes.  I laugh at them, sometimes uncontrollably, but they are not me and my family.  No one at my Thanksgiving is an alcoholic.  Or a drug addict.  Or really anything other than our own special brand of crazy.


No, there will be no interventions at our Thanksgiving.


But if there were, they'd go something like this:


Let's start with me -- I am the most obvious choice since I am the one with the addictive personality.  I am not an alcoholic, or a drug addict, but I DO have my addictions -- Facebook, this blog, coffee, Coke, my iPhone, sleep....the list is long.  So as I would sit with my coffee and Coke on the table in front of me with my iPhone in hand as I checked Facebook and my blog wishing that I could take a nap after the big Thanksgiving meal, my family would try to reason with me.  But I wouldn't hear them because I would be too busy updating my status.


Then there are my kids.  They are all addicted to making messes, but they have their own addictions too.  We'd try to reason with the oldest boy about his Lego addiction -- how it simply was not normal to not be able to come to the dinner table, watch TV or go to the bathroom without bringing a handful of Legos along with you.  We'd try, in vain, to get the oldest girl to realize that it was simply odd the way she writes "I Love Justin Beiber" on everything she owns.  Our pleas with the youngest girl that as awesome as the color yellow is, there are other colors that she can wear, other crayons that she can use, and other foods that she can eat that are NOT yellow, would fall on deaf ears.  And telling the 3 year old that dinosaurs were not, in fact, the only animals in the world would be an exercise in futility.


We could try to tell my father-in-law that it was indeed possible to come visit us without repairing something, painting something, cleaning something, or knocking holes in our walls.  We could plead with him that he could come visit us for more than 36 hours because whoever he was digging a pool for, or building a deck or fence for, or renovating for would understand that this was Thanksgiving.  But he would be too busy taking something we own apart to improve it and would probably never hear a word we said.  (This is not an exaggeration -- he has been in my house for less than 5 hours and already has plans for 6 different "projects" he wants to complete while he is here.)


Then there is my mother-in-law.  Everyone always talks about how they can't stand their mother-in-law, but mine is great.  The only intervention that she needs is that she is not, in fact, Santa.  She doesn't just shower my kids with "stuff" at the holidays, although it is definitely worse during the last few months of the year.  No, she buys them stuff all year long.  All they have to do is ask and she will do everything within her power (and credit limit) to make it happen.  Should we try to intervene with her at Thanksgiving, she would not hear us because she would have the Toys R Us Big Book Of Toys on her lap and be surrounded by the 4 minions chanting choruses of "I want that, and that, and that and..."


Finally at our Thanksgiving table is my husband.  I cannot think of one thing I need to intervene with him about.  The only things that he is addicted to are me and throwing his dirty clothes on the floor.  I can live with that.


I will take my family with all of their quirks because they are awesome and we all love each other -- warts and all.  I hope that you are able to enjoy your family this Thanksgiving as much as I will enjoy mine.  Take a little time to appreciate the flaws that make them even more lovable.

I know I am a nag, but could you take a second and click on the button at the top, right-hand side of the page that says "Vote For Me @Top Mommy Blogs?"  You do not have to register, give an email address, or anything -- just click the button.  Once their site comes up, you're done.  You can close the window.  I used to be #9, and now I am dangerously close to falling out of the Top 25!  You can vote EVERYDAY!  And since votes reset every 30 days, I'd love it if you did.

(FYI, you can vote on the 2011 Bloggers Choice Awards if you want, but they DO require a registration where you have to give your email address.  However, it is a one-time-only thing.  I would love to win one of these awards, but based on the 30 votes that I have gotten, it isn't looking too promising.)