Truth Is, Change Sucks

I am procrastinating.

I just wanted to put that out there so that when you wonder what the point of this post is, you will know that the point is simply to postpone all of the crap I need to get done today -- going to the grocery store, getting on the treadmill, folding clothes, etc.  That and I need to vent about dieting so that I don't raid the candy aisle when I finally make it to the store.

Today I am seriously wishing that I could just be comfortable being fat so that I could get me a big ol' Route 44 Coke, a bag of Sweet Chili Doritos, and lay on the couch and stuff my face while I clear the DVR.  But all it takes to kill that inclination is for me to try to put on real clothes.  You know, clothes with buttons and zippers instead of elastic and stretch cotton.  I feel like I should convalesce until I am presentable to the world again.  I am doing well though, on the diet and exercise stuff.  I've forced myself to exercise, I am eating healthy, non-processed foods, and I tell myself that if I give up and give in now it will undo the torturous hell that I have endured up to this point and I will just get disgusted and want to get healthy again at some point and I'd have to start over.  I do NOT want to have to start over.  And standing next to skinny people on the beach in June keeps me motivated.

I think I will write a self-help book and call it "Change Sucks But You Are Fat."  It will be all about how to make healthy foods more palatable, how exercise won't kill you even if it feels like it will, and how awesome unhealthy food is but also how bad it is for you.  It will contain pictures of me on the treadmill looking like I am dying that have captions like "If I can do this, you can do this." or "Just remember that if you stop, you will be fat FOREVER."  I will reveal the truth about all of the lies people tell you about losing weight because the reality makes it all easier to bear. For example, all of my life I have been told that "once you get your body off of sugar, you will stop craving it and when you eat it it won't even taste good."  This is a lie.  Sugar is awesome no matter how bad it is for you.  Another big lie is "if you will get into the habit of working out, your body will crave exercise and you will feel worse when you don't do it."  Bull.  What they ought to tell you is that you will NEVER stop craving sugary stuff, but that it is a slippery slope.  Once you eat sugary foods, it is really easy to eat more sugary foods and then you are screwed because you can't stop.  And as for exercise, the truth is that you will loathe it unless you are naturally athletic (I am not).  You will have to make yourself do it so that you can occasionally have those fattening, sugary treats that you crave so very much.  I will also get real about "Healthy Weight Charts" because they are full of lies too.  I am 5" 8', I wear a size 11 shoe, I have a barrel chest and 7" wrists.  According to "the chart" I should weigh between 126 and 146 pounds.  I read that and I want to laugh, then cry, then go eat my weight in Oreos.  Those charts are crap and if you search the internet long enough, you can find one that says you are okay just the way you are.  I know because I found one that says that a large framed 40 year old woman could weigh up to 197 pounds and still not be overweight.  Ignore the charts.  Ignore the scale.  If you want to know if you are overweight, look in the mirror when you get out of the shower.  That is how I found out that I was slowly morphing into Jaba the Hutt.  

My weight loss journey began the day that I decided to take my measurements to see if what was reflected in that mirror was accurate.  Sadly, the mirror was being kind.  I measured my neck, chest, arms, torso, waist, hips, thighs, calves -- everything.  I wrote it all down and stared slack-jawed at what was before me.  With these measurements, I could probably shop successfully in the men's big and tall section.  That was the turning point.  That was the last day I had a Route 44 Coke and the first day I got on the treadmill.  

Writing all of this out has motivated me enough to get off of the couch and go get on the treadmill so that I can shower and go to the store (avoiding the candy aisle) and buy more lettuce.  No, avoiding unhealthy food isn't easy.  No, losing weight is not nearly as fun as gaining weight.  No, my body will never crave exercise and it will always prefer fatty, sugary, starchy foods.  Coke.  And bacon.  And buttered bread.  And THAT is why I must now go get on the treadmill.  

The 24 Diet

I have been seriously waging the battle of the bulge for the past 2 weeks.  Well, that isn't exactly true. I've actually been battling my bulge for about 39 years, but I have been putting forth some serious effort for the past 2 weeks.  I have tried many things that work short term, but I am looking to make a total lifestyle change, not drop 10 pounds for a special event.  I have discovered that if I put on a show on Netflix, then I will walk on my treadmill pretty much like a brain dead zombie until it is over.  I never watched the series 24 when it originally aired and I picked it because there were 192 episodes and because it is returning in May with all new episodes.  I am totally hooked.  Yesterday, I got on the treadmill and I walked for 80 minutes (2 episodes) because I was completely engrossed in the story.  I could not imagine trying to watch this with a week between episodes.
My weight has always been an issue for me.  I am turning 40 in 60 days.  I has wanted to lose 40 pounds before my 40th birthday, but that will not happen.  See, when I was 20 and I wanted to drop some weight, I would watch it for a few weeks and up my activity for a little bit and drop 25 pounds in a month like it was nothing.  Not anymore.  Now I amp up my activity, drink only water, cut calories, try to sleep more, and in general do everything that I know I should have been doing for the last 39 years, and I lose a pound a week if I am lucky.  Getting old sucks.
The reason that I am so very focussed on this now isn't just because I am about to turn 40.  In June I am going to the beach with my family.  My family, my sister's family and my parents are renting a beach house for a week.  My brother in law is a fireman and a mixed martial artist.  My sister does Crossfit. My parents are both slim.  The thought of standing next to them on the beach in a swimsuit has prompted my urgency, but my weight is something that I needed to work on anyway.  I love everything that I am not supposed to -- bread, pasta, potatoes, Coke, cookies, beef, sauces and gravy -- basically everything that I need to cut to lose weight and be healthy.  Those things are all fine in moderation, but it's the "moderation" that I struggle with more than anything.
I read somewhere that when you are trying to lose weight that you should make your intentions very public so that everyone will hold you accountable.  I have no problem letting everyone know that I need to lose weight -- it isn't like it is a secret.  Anyone who looks at me can tell that I need to lose some weight.  My friend Christy and I are attacking our problem together by bragging about our successes and complaining about our setbacks and sharing recipes and tips.  While Christy is my confidant on this journey, I have let everyone know that I am trying.  The problem is that when you tell people that you are trying to lose weight, they all have ADVICE.  Advice is awesome if it is helpful, but the problem is most of it isn't.  So here are some of the gems that I have received over the past couple of weeks:
"Just eat less." (Wow, I never thought of that. Thanks.)
"There's this soup that was developed by the Mayo Clinic that I found online -- I lost 10 pounds in a week eating it. It has cabbage and kale and all sorts of vegetables that force your body to drop weight fast.  I'll send you the recipe."  (Can't wait.)
"Have you ever done a colon cleanse?  It can cause you to lose tons of weight by eliminating the excess sludge in your digestive tract." (Yeah, I did one right before my colonoscopy 2 years ago.  It is not an experience that I wish to relive.)
"You should get one of those neoprene belts to help you shed the water weight." (Why not one of those with the electrodes from late night infomercials?)
"Have you tried the Paleo diet?  Basically you only eat things that the cavemen would have eaten." (Do I look like a caveman? I'm pretty sure that if I tried this diet I would ACT like a caveman...)
"You should do Atkins.  You eliminate all carbs until your body goes into ketosis and starts digesting itself." (This sounds...pleasant.)
"There's this clinic downtown that gives you B-12 injections and HGC or something like that.  You lose a pound a day." (And gain a pound a day when you stop...)
"Have you tried drinking apple cider vinegar?" (No, that sounds disgusting...)
"Have you considered the grapefruit diet? You eat a half of grapefruit before every meal." (I have tried the one where you eat 2 cookies before and after every meal...)
"You should come to Zumba with me!" (This one is hilarious -- I cannot dance at all).
"My cousin's best friend took this herb that made her lose weight no matter what she ate.  I can try to get the name of what she took if you want."  (Um, no thanks.  Herbs are great, but they act differently for each person. I can pretty much guarantee it will not work.)
"You should try green coffee bean extract." (Or Garcinia, or green tea, or raspberry ketones, or the tears of kangaroos....)
Look, it isn't that I don't appreciate advice, I do.  I wish there was a magic soup or an herb pill that would force my body to completely morph into Cindy Crawford, but there isn't.  If there was, it would be a well known solution and I probably would have already tried it.  I have done some things in the past few months that sound gimmicky but seem to help me feel better even if they don't aid in my weight loss.  I have started taking "detox baths" at least a couple of times a week.  I do not know how much detoxing is going on, but they make me feel better.  I have also started doing something called dry brushing -- using a stiff brush and using long sweeping strokes toward the heart, you brush your skin before your shower or bath.  The theory is that it stimulates your lymphatic system and allows your body to metabolize everything more efficiently.  I have no idea if that is true, but my skin looks amazing.
I have begun telling everyone that I am on "The 24 Diet."  I love explaining that all that means is that I cut calories, drink water, and hit the treadmill while watching 24.  By my estimation, I should be good on episodes for at least 12-13 weeks at 2 episodes a day.  Of course, when I get all caught up, I will have to find another show...too bad Downton Abbey isn't on Netflix.