Just To Clarify -- I'm Pathetic

I got another email worth talking about. It wasn't snarky, this person was just offering some opinions on things that I had said and therefore I will not be posting her email address for y'all to go after her but I will discuss it here because, honestly, it got me thinking.




She said that she enjoyed reading my blog, that I was funny, that my kids are hilarious, blah, blah, blah. Then she said that she wished that she had my "screw the world attitude" and that she wished that she "didn't care what others thought" like me. Whoa. Is that what people get from me? That I don't care what people think? 'Cause that is SO not true. I post on Facebook. I write a blog. I submit books for publication. Everything I DO screams "Like me!!! PLEASE!!" When I get yet another rejection letter from a publisher, it causes a "Sneaky Hate Spiral" to begin. When I write a status update on Facebook and no one "Likes" it, I want to create a fake profile to be my friend so that SOMEONE will like it or comment. And when I write a blog that no one comments on, or emails me about, or re-posts on Facebook, it makes me feel like the fat girl at the 8th grade school dance. I think that as much as I don't care what SOME people think, acceptance and approval are things that I seek out on a regular basis. If I like you, I want you to like me too. I want you to tell others how great I am. I want all of that -- like a prepubescent little girl.

I have applied to and been accepted by Top Mommy Blogs. I am proud to have been accepted. I am proud to be #6 out of more than 75 in the Humor Category and #19 out of more than 1,050 overall. BUT -- I hate that I have dropped from #4 in Humor and #17 overall. I check it everyday. It is almost an obsession. I want to be ranked higher. I get upset when I slip on the list. I start wondering if maybe the last post wasn't good enough...maybe people don't really like me...maybe I'm not really all that good....maybe, maybe, maybe. And the thing is, this isn't some all-inclusive site -- I mean, there are TONS of blogs not on there, and MANY of them are way funnier than mine. The votes reset every 30 days. People can only vote once every 24 hours. If I post twice in a day, or if I DON'T post for a couple of days then most people aren't just going to spontaneously come here and click on that brown button to vote (except me and a few VERY loyal friends who follow and who are as obsessed as I am). This site is great, but it's not a great measurement of....well, anything really. My logical side knows this. My 13 year old self still strives to be adored by the masses. (So I still want you to go and vote....like now).

I also measure my level of blogging success by the number of followers I have (and I have lost a few of those too). I seriously try to figure out how many individual followers I have -- you can follow through Blogger or through Networkedblogs on Facebook and some people do both. Then I know that I have people who follow by just bookmarking the page. I have no way to count them. It drives me nuts. I wonder if they're REALLY there....every once in a while I'll get a message from one of them, but there is no way to "count" them.

Then there is my "real" writing. Not that this isn't real, but these are literally just my ramblings about my life. The stuff that I submit for publication has NEVER been accepted. (Sigh) I have written 9 children's books. Unfortunately, I am not Jamie Lee Curtis or Britney Spears, so it is VERY difficult to break into the publishing world. One trip to Borders or Barnes and Noble is enough to really piss me off and send me into a sneaky hate spiral. Imagine that you have written something imaginative, funny, sweet, and exciting. You have read these stories to your kids for years and to their friends and they all LOVE them. Your parents, your friends, and even some total strangers who have heard your stories tell you their awesome. Now imagine that you, send them off full of pride to no fewer than 150 publishers and these stories -- these works of art that you have produced are rejected. 150 times. For EACH story. So that's more than 1,350 letters saying "Thanks, but no thanks" or "Good, but not good enough." Then you go to the bookstore, and there on the shelf, for $8.99 is a board book that has ONE WORD on each page. This got published??! This was chosen above my brilliance? How can this be?? Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I suck and no one has told me....maybe I am the William Hung of the writing world.  (Google him if you didn't get that...)

So I guess what I am saying is that if you all think I am this super confident person, then I have misled you all. Horribly. I am so concerned about being loved and accepted that it’s probably classified somewhere as a mental disorder (I'll add it to the list). However...that being said...if I think you are an idiot, that is when I become certain that I don't care what you think. I don't care if you vote for me, or read my blog, or like my Facebook status at all if you are a moron. Basically, I adopt the view that you must not think very much and therefore whatever you think of me is irrelevent. And I WILL throw all of my work towards being cool out the window if you attack my kids in any way. You will see the laid-back person disappear and be replaced by something quite similar to a mamma bear who feels her cubs are in danger.  The same holds true if you attack or belittle my friends or family.  Or me or my writing for that matter.  Oh, or if you think you are better than me, or my family, or my friends.  Come to think of it, there are a lot of situations where I don't care what people think.
 
But most of the time I am pathetic.