This is me...

This is me...
I'm having a mom moment....

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I am 100% Sure That 100% is Hard

I am tired of living in chaos and clutter.  I want very badly to eliminate the clutter and organize things.  I have been thinking about a lot of things in my life that I want to change, and my eating habits are one of them.

See, the thing is that I'm fat.

I am not really ashamed of it, it's just a fact.  I had 4 kids in 6 1/2 years and I wasn't a size 6 when I started so I'm a little hefty.  I have never had a bikini body and without subjecting myself to some serious surgery I never will.  I'm 5'8" and wear a size 11 shoe.  Itty-bitty just isn't in my future.  At my thinnest, I was a size 12 and I made my peace with the fact that I am just a big person a long time ago.  I pay little attention to the scale and try to focus on how my clothes fit and how my food choices make me feel.

However, I am trying to eat healthier, whole foods that are not processed, and I am finding it difficult.  The industry is NOT on the side of the health conscious consumer.  Non-GMO, organic fruits and vegetables are at times more than twice the price of the regular ones.  Kraft Mac-n-Cheese is $0.88 a box but Annie's Organic Mac-n-Cheese (which my kids won't eat because it tastes funny) is $2.04.  Organic, free range chicken is $4-5 a pound, while processed chicken nuggets are $5 for a bag of 50 and chicken with hormones from a poultry farm is $2.50 a pound.  Eating organic would easily double my food budget.  I will never understand why something that has less chemicals (which have to be man-made) and less processing done to it, costs LESS than the real food that has had nothing done to it.  I want to eat healthy, but I can't afford to buy ALL organic, or ALL non-processed foods.

And therein lies the rub -- eating "clean" doesn't really count if you don't do it 100%.

Just like everything else.  You can't "sorta" clean your house or it's not clean.  You can't "kinda" organize your stuff or it's not organized.  And you can't halfway change a habit or you still have it.

My house right now is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.  I don't think that I have told ya'll here, but when we got a new TV my husband promised to build me a wall of bookcases around it.  We cleared out the 4 bookcases that were on that wall, painted it red, and ripped up the carpet in that area so that he could build a true "built-in" bookcase. Well, life happened (work, surgery, etc.) and for the past 2 months, I have been staring at the empty base that the bookshelves will eventually be built on. All of the stuff that was on that wall is now piled up all over the house (primarily in the living room at the front of the house, right by the front door for everyone to see as they come into the house).  And i have brought in a lot of stuff that I got from my great aunt's estate.  I need desperately to purge stuff and organize, but my back is not allowing me to do much of anything and the unfinished bookcases mean that I have nowhere to put stuff.

I am looking to clean up my life and if I cannot do it 100% it doesn't matter.  So I am discouraged.  I have many goals and they all seem unattainable for one reason or another -- money, time, physical ailments, kids working against me, and well, if I'm honest, my own dedication.

100% may not be impossible, but dang, it is definitely HARD.


Gale Gregory said...

I love ya just the way you are! Quit beating yourself hurts. If it helps I also struggle w/ habits, but to have Peace within me I don't give in. John Maxwell said, "If it is to is up to me"! 10 2-letter powerful words.

mommytocutiepie said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time now, here and there and think you're hilarious. Thanks for keeping it real. I've very, very recently also gotten into the whole organic, non-GMO, unprocessed food bandwagon. And I've found a few sites that have been a tremendous help to me in education and resources as well as motivation. So thought I'd share in case it's of use to you as well.

Good luck in everything. And hoping your husband is feeling better now as well.