This is me...

This is me...
I'm having a mom moment....

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I am 100% Sure That 100% is Hard

I am tired of living in chaos and clutter.  I want very badly to eliminate the clutter and organize things.  I have been thinking about a lot of things in my life that I want to change, and my eating habits are one of them.

See, the thing is that I'm fat.

I am not really ashamed of it, it's just a fact.  I had 4 kids in 6 1/2 years and I wasn't a size 6 when I started so I'm a little hefty.  I have never had a bikini body and without subjecting myself to some serious surgery I never will.  I'm 5'8" and wear a size 11 shoe.  Itty-bitty just isn't in my future.  At my thinnest, I was a size 12 and I made my peace with the fact that I am just a big person a long time ago.  I pay little attention to the scale and try to focus on how my clothes fit and how my food choices make me feel.

However, I am trying to eat healthier, whole foods that are not processed, and I am finding it difficult.  The industry is NOT on the side of the health conscious consumer.  Non-GMO, organic fruits and vegetables are at times more than twice the price of the regular ones.  Kraft Mac-n-Cheese is $0.88 a box but Annie's Organic Mac-n-Cheese (which my kids won't eat because it tastes funny) is $2.04.  Organic, free range chicken is $4-5 a pound, while processed chicken nuggets are $5 for a bag of 50 and chicken with hormones from a poultry farm is $2.50 a pound.  Eating organic would easily double my food budget.  I will never understand why something that has less chemicals (which have to be man-made) and less processing done to it, costs LESS than the real food that has had nothing done to it.  I want to eat healthy, but I can't afford to buy ALL organic, or ALL non-processed foods.

And therein lies the rub -- eating "clean" doesn't really count if you don't do it 100%.

Just like everything else.  You can't "sorta" clean your house or it's not clean.  You can't "kinda" organize your stuff or it's not organized.  And you can't halfway change a habit or you still have it.

My house right now is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.  I don't think that I have told ya'll here, but when we got a new TV my husband promised to build me a wall of bookcases around it.  We cleared out the 4 bookcases that were on that wall, painted it red, and ripped up the carpet in that area so that he could build a true "built-in" bookcase. Well, life happened (work, surgery, etc.) and for the past 2 months, I have been staring at the empty base that the bookshelves will eventually be built on. All of the stuff that was on that wall is now piled up all over the house (primarily in the living room at the front of the house, right by the front door for everyone to see as they come into the house).  And i have brought in a lot of stuff that I got from my great aunt's estate.  I need desperately to purge stuff and organize, but my back is not allowing me to do much of anything and the unfinished bookcases mean that I have nowhere to put stuff.

I am looking to clean up my life and if I cannot do it 100% it doesn't matter.  So I am discouraged.  I have many goals and they all seem unattainable for one reason or another -- money, time, physical ailments, kids working against me, and well, if I'm honest, my own dedication.

100% may not be impossible, but dang, it is definitely HARD.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Hits Keep Coming

Remember when I said that the last few weeks had been rough?  Well, I spoke too soon.

Twelve days after my husband's surgery, he had already gone back to work and seemed to be doing fine when his nose exploded.  I'm only exaggerating a little bit.  He was asleep and I was downstairs working on freelance stuff that I should have finished already.  It was a weekend, so my kids were at the mother-in-law's house and I had delusions of getting a lot of work done.  All of a sudden I heard a bunch of banging.  It took me a minute to react because I thought he was asleep.  I ran upstairs to find my husband standing over the bathroom sink with blood pouring out of his face and splashing up on the walls, the mirror, and all over the counter.  He says "I can't move without bleeding all over the floor."  So I toss him a dark colored hand towel and go get his phone to call the doctor.

When I got the doctor on the phone, I tried very hard to tell him how concerned I was at the amount of blood my husband was loosing (he was now on his second hand towel, having completely soaked through the first one).  The doctor, however, didn't seemed concerned at all....which was a little annoying.  He said "Okay, well what you want to do is to spray some Afrin up his nose.  It would be okay to use a third of the bottle because it's going to cause those blood vessels to constrict and stop the bleeding."  To which I responded "Yeah, apparently I have failed to adequately convey the seriousness of the situation here.  Nothing is going 'up' my husband's nose because THERE IS A RIVER OF BLOOD POURING FROM MY HUSBAND'S FACE!"  He just said that if we couldn't get it to stop to go to the ER.  So we hung up and got into the car heading for the ER, leaving my house looking like a scene from a horror movie.  On the way to the hospital I told my husband not to die suspiciously at the hospital because if there as an investigation, there was enough DNA all over the house and in my car to convict me ten times over.

The fun continued at the ER where I was holding the bucket under his nose for him to hemorrhage into and I got scolded by the ER doctor for not wearing gloves.  I tried to explain that this was my husband and that we had four kids together and that I had been peed on, pooped on, puked on, bled on, snotted on, etc. more times than I could count without gloves, but she insisted in case I tried to sue or OSHA walked in randomly to the exam room.  They ended up shoving these things up his nose called "Rhino Rockets" to stop the bleeding.  They are basically balloon filled tampons that they inflate to apply pressure and stop the bleeding.  And they admitted him.  We stayed in the hospital until late Sunday and didn't go to the doctor's office until Tuesday when they removed the Rhino Rockets.  So far, there hasn't been anymore bleeding, but his blood pressure has been jumping around from normal to stage 2 hypertension, so that has been fun.

I had put most of the freelance work that I had left to do (about 6 articles) until that weekend since my boss was on vacation until Monday and I had planned on being at home alone all weekend and not in the hospital with the husband. Luckily, I have an understanding boss.  And I am usually ahead of her as far as work submitted versus work she has had time to read over and approve.  But still, I was behind and I hate being behind.  Every time I started an article there seemed to be a minor crisis with the kids or another doctor's appointment, or a family obligation, or something and then when I would go back and try to pick up where I had left off and would read what I had written, I ended up having to start over.  The articles I was working on were sourced from the opposite point of view -- so I had a lot more research to do because it was like writing an argument for something based on all of the evidence against it. Although it was incredibly interesting, I kept having to start over and that was not awesome.  Finally I finished all but the last article.  I was halfway through it when my research on the last subject indicated that it wasn't applicable in the state where my bosses business is located.  So now I am waiting to hear back from her about whether or not she wants me to finish it.

Throughout all of this, my back is still jacked up and I have probably undone any progress that I was making towards getting it back to where it should be by sleeping on hospital recliners that misrepresent themselves as beds, doing housework (yes, I do occasionally do that), picking up kids, etc.  I haven't been able to get back to the chiropractor since the Thursday before last.

So now you are all caught up on the misadventures of the Caballero Clan.  There have been some current events that I have written some editorial pieces on, but they're not finished and even when I do finish them, they probably won't be "current" events anymore.  Not to mention the fact that every time I share a strong opinion on something controversial on here I lose a bunch of followers.  I do have some humorous stories that are woven throughout all of this, and I am looking forward to being able to write about THOSE for change instead of recounting everything that has gone wrong lately.  If it hadn't been for my parents and my mother-in-law through all of this I would have lost it over the past 2 weeks.

But hey, it's all good. I roll with the punches as the hits keep coming.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

This is a Random Post....

I've had a weird couple of weeks.  Between the end of school, the husband's surgery, and everything that has been going on, I have felt a little more scattered than normal.

I have a few articles that I need to write for  my freelance job, and it has been difficult to even accomplish one article a day (I was churning out 4-5 a day without difficulty earlier this year).  I reread what I write and I wonder what the heck I was trying to say.

The husband is recovering from his surgery, but his blood pressure, which was never a problem before has been really high ever since the procedure last week.  He is supposed to go back to work tonight, but this morning he is back at the doctor to try to get some answers.  I am certain that my concern over him has contributed to my recent scatter brained days.

I've been distracted and disjointed.  My oldest daughter had asked about going to a church camp a few weeks ago and I told her that she could, but I just needed to sign her up.  This past weekend, we were talking about doing something later this week, and she said "Well we need to do it before Thursday or I won't be here."  I was like "What?  Where will you be?"  She looked at me with her 9 year old attitude and said "Very funny mom.  I'll be at camp!"  Gulp.  I had totally forgotten about camp.  So Saturday I starting calling around very frantically to fellow church members to try and see if it was possible to still get her in.  Luckily, there was ONE bed left in the 9 year old cabin.  Whew.  If I had to tell her that I had dropped the ball on camp after she was so very excited, I would have felt like a total looser.  More so than usual.  She is going to love it and I know that she'll have an awesome time since they're going to have some sort of talent show.  She regularly does little skits and then ends them by saying "Aaaaaand scene."

It's Summer and I should be sleeping late...but I was up at 6:15 this morning and I will be all this week.  My oldest signed up for a day camp with the local police department.  (And just as a side note, when the cops called to remind us about his camp starting today, I had a mini heart attack because I never get calls from the cops.)  I think that this will be good for him, but I just wish that it started around noon.  My oldest is the rule guy.  He's a legalistic.  So spending a week with the cops will be heaven for him.

The 6 year old has been quirkier than normal lately, and it has been a great stress reliever.  She has this little bitty toy that she has been carrying around for over a week (it is smaller than a Monopoly piece).  It is a whale, that she has named "Quail."  Yep, "Quail the Whale."  If it were anyone else I would tell you that this made absolutely no sense, but with her it is perfectly normal.  She has also developed a very unique style of dress this Summer -- black and white striped shirt with lime green bike shorts that have white polka dots for example.  Again, if it was anyone else, it would seem weird.  She and her little brother are hilarious together -- lots of pretend play and witty banter between them that makes me smile.

And then there's the youngest.  I am beginning to worry about how he is going to do when he starts kindergarten next Fall.  He is super smart, but he is mischievous.  He loves Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Looney Toons, and already has a firm grasp of sarcasm.  And while this is very entertaining at home, I am concerned that his teacher might not appreciate it when he utilizes his sarcasm and humor with her.  I just think that when he walks up to her and says in a husky whisper "I'm Batman.  My parents are dead." or "Obviously, this means war."  she may not get the joke....  And based on his love for Monty Python's Holy Grail, I am just waiting for the call where I have to explain why he would tell his teacher: "I didn't vote for you. You can't expect to be a teacher just because some watery tart threw a sword at you."  (All of which is in the realm of possibility since he has said that crap (and more) to me.

See?  Distracted and disjointed.  I have no idea what the point of this post is.  It's just....random.  

Monday, June 3, 2013

I'm Still Alive.

I know.  I suck.  I haven't blogged in a month.

The truth is, I have something to write about,  something that has been gnawing at me, something I have been obsessing over, etc. -- but I can't write about it without sort of "airing dirty laundry" that isn't all mine to air.  It has to do with my great aunt's estate, and it has been occupying a huge chunk of my time since last Fall.  I'll just say that people are greedy.  And annoying.  And have a twisted view of what they "deserve."  I mean, if someone leaves you something -- ANYTHING -- in their will after they passed away, be grateful.  You didn't work for it, they did.  It is free.  Gratis. And not everyone has acted like an idiot, most of us have been thankful for what we have received.... But I can't talk about it in detail.  Sooooooo.... yeah.  Moving on.  Let's recap the last month....

There's been other stuff going on too.  Like school's out and my kids are all home and driving me crazy.  My husband had the idea that we tell them that if they keep their rooms clean that they could stay up until 9:30.  I hated to point out to him that it is Summer and I have never "made" them go to bed in the Summer.  Ever.  I mean, I appreciate that his work schedule is more conducive to parenting, but he's a little late to the bedtime game -- I've been flying solo in this whole dinner/bath/bedtime routine for more than 11 years.  And it is so very hard to get them all to bed 9 months out of the year, that during these three months that there is no school, we all sort of embrace our inner night owl.  It is not uncommon for my kids to be up at 11 or 12:00 at night during the Summer, because I'm up that late.  And because I want them to sleep late the next morning.

My husband is having surgery today.  He sees an ENT regularly because he needs tubes in his ears.  He walked into the Dr. here and the Dr. says "So, we're here to talk about your nose?"  And my husband said "  I'm here about tubes in my ears.  What's wrong with my nose?"  Apparently, he has a horrible deviated septum.  So, this afternoon he's going to have that fixed.  I'm hoping that it helps with his snoring.  It'd be nice to sleep through the night when he's home. (So my kids are at my mom's for the night, so I am certain that they'll be in bed by 9:30).

I have also somehow injured my back.  I have a bulging disk.  It hurts, but the good thing is that I finally have an excuse for sitting around and doing nothing.  I am seeing a chiropractor 2-3 times a week, and I'd go everyday if I could because I always feel so much better after I leave.  He puts this electrode thing on my back and it feels like just little thumps, but it interrupts the pain receptors.  Unfortunately, it only lasts about an hour and then it starts hurting again.  He also uses ice which I HATE, but I can't deny that it makes it feel better. Before I went to see him, I was using heat which was the exact wrong thing to do.  I'm trying to do what he says, but I am sort of enjoying saying "Can you....because I can't do that with my back."

So now you are all caught up.  I do have some funny stories to share, and I will try to do that as I have time, but it is so very difficult to write with the minions running around saying "Mom, can you....?",  "Mom, can I....", "Mom, make him stop....", and "Mom, tell her to..." and my freelance stuff has to take priority.  Yep, I'm still doing freelance work, although the flow has slowed down.  It's actually a good thing that it has since the kids are home and it makes focussing on anything for more than 2 or 3 minutes difficult.   As I was working on that this weekend, I was having difficulty finishing an article because I was trying to read it out loud (something I do to make sure that it flows well and sounds natural) and I kept getting interrupted with questions like "Mom, who are you talking to?" and "Mom, I have no idea what you're talking about..."