Relinquishining Control

It's one of those days where I SHOULD be doing stuff but I'm not.  I got the oldest up and off to school and then decided that the 2 youngest could skip preschool today.  I decided that rest and relaxation was more important.  Some people would say that makes me lazy.  Oh well, I guess I'm lazy then.

I got an email from a reader asking me if I was ever "Normal" before I had kids. The answer is emphatically NO. I have always been a snarky, sarcastic, fun, kind of person, which in my experience is kind of far from "normal." I was, however, a lot more organized before these 4 minions invaded my life, but I cannot for the life of me remember the appeal in that.

In fact, I was diagnosed with OCD and General Anxiety Disorder.  Not officially.  I worked for a psychiatric office and the doctors had a problem with some of my "rules" about charting.  I had lots of rules.  And I was anxious about them.  Once in a staff meeting when I was (once again) going over how things were "supposed" to be done and how they were falling short, one of the psychiatrists looked at me and said "I have one word for you: Paxil."  I wasn't offended because I knew I was right, so i said "Why should I take medication because my OCD bothers you?  Maybe YOU should take some Paxil."

When my husband and I were first married, he owned his own contracting business building fences, decks, doing concrete and pools, etc.  I used to make him take his boots off outside because I could not stand the dirt in the house.  I was meticulous about cleaning.  I spent HOURS scrubbing the floor, the bathrooms, the kitchen, etc.  I dusted several times a week instead of several times a year.  My closet was organized first by color, then by season, then by function of the clothing, and my shoes were all lined up neatly under the hanging clothes in color order and then in heel height.  I was a cleaning and organization freak.

Then I got pregnant.

Four times.

In less than 7 years.

I went through about a 5 year transition period when my kids were little, but by the time number 3 was here, I was pretty over my feelings of anxiety about not being able to keep the floors clean, or the toys put away, or the laundry done, or any of it.
And all of a sudden, my OCD was cured.

It is sort of liberating.  I struggle with it sometimes....wanting everything to be clean and orderly.  I go back and forth between being okay with the chaos of my life and feeling completely inadequate.  Even though I still have relapses every once in a while (like when my mom comes to visit), I am pretty much over the need to have control of everything.  Which is a good thing since it is impossible with four kids in the house.