I CAN DO THIS! (Can't I??!)

So after the initial shock and excitement wore off from being invited to Chicago, I realized something.  I probably cannot wear yoga pants all weekend.  Crap.  I. Own. Nothing. Else.

At least nothing else worth mentioning.  I was going to have to go shopping.  I HATE shopping.  It sucks.  I also was going to have to do something about the gray roots that are slowly making their way to my ears.  (Seriously, I had my hair done in October when I was in Huntsville for dad's surgery, and I haven't touched it since.  It's BAD.)  And then there's the whole thing about my waistline that is expanding instead of contracting. 

Great.  I was all excited, and now I am a 13 year old girl about to start a new school.  I really do struggle with self-esteem.  See, its very easy to be snarky and self-confident when you are sitting on the couch typing blissfully away on a laptop, but when you are face to face, it's a little harder to pull off.  I could envision in my head the horror stories that would unfold in the Windy City -- me being a loud obnoxious freak in an attempt to appear "fun,"  me being all awkward and goofy in an attempt to be "quirky," me being all manic because I am not usually around other adults.....you get the idea.  On the one hand, none of these people know me so I can be whatever and whoever I want (which appeals greatly to my theatrical side and makes me want to show up with an English accent or something equally as juvenile).  But on the other hand, this is what I want to DO.  I want to write.  I want to be so damned good that Kenmore isn't the only company vieing for my attention or to attend their event.  So I need to be taken seriously.  I need to be seen as the mature, intelligent, educated person that I know I can be.  I used to work in sales.  I could do this.  Deep breath, formulate a plan.


So standing in front of the mirror, I said (yes, out loud) "Okay.  Let's see what we can do."  I took note of the hair first.  I was for sure going to have to do something there.  Since Christy, my go-to-gal for all things hair was 800 miles away in Huntsville, I called her and asked for help.  She said, "You can do this.  Go buy this product and do X-Y-Z."  Crisis (possibly) averted.  I haven't actually used said product yet, so this step could still go horribly wrong, but I was taking action.


Now there was also the issue with the weight I mentioned.  Since dropping 25 pounds in a week was not possible without cutting off a limb, I added "Buy Spanx" to my to-do list.  Also need to buy a new bra.  After I had established that my undergarments needed to be seriously upgraded, I moved onto the more obvious.


My wardrobe has deteriorated dramatically in the past 10 years.  When I was in sales, I had power-suits and heels.  As a part-time photographer, I had nice jeans and shirts.  As a stay-at-home mom to 4 kids under 10 and a blogger and Facebook addict, I have 16 pairs of yoga pants and a plethora of t-shirts -- both long and short sleeved.  Seriously, I know that there are shoes in my closet.....somewhere. But the only shoes I really ever wear are my slip on Skechers or flip-flops. I do have a dedicated drawer for Yoga pants and one for t-shirts. My wardrobe is a lot like Garanimals -- everything matches. I just grab a pair of Yoga pants (either black or charcoal gray) and a t-shirt and voila! I match and I'm ready to go anywhere -- the couch, the carpool line, the gym, the grocery store -- pretty much everywhere that I ever go. Day to day this is awesome. It really sucks when I need to get dressed up for something.  Like a trip to Chicago that has the potential to jump-start my career.


I bit the bullet and went shopping.  Of course, not to an actual store in a mall or anything, because I didn't want to spend the money.  I still have to buy Spanx and a bra, both rather pricey items by themselves.  And then there was the potential hair disaster from my do-it-yourself hair dye in a box that might require a small fortune to repair.  So I went to a re-sale shop.  I found a few pieces that I think will be acceptable and I was feeling like a million bucks.  I was ready to take on Chicago!

Or so I thought.

Then TODAY happened.

I got the list of attendees for the Blogger's Summit in Chicago next week, and let me just say that as I perused this list and stalked their blogs and Facebook fan pages, I felt the excitement and anticipation slowly drain out of me like a leaky balloon.  These people are REAL.  I mean, they write about stuff that matters.  They are often PAID to write (a lovely idea that I wish I could accomplish) and some of them are paid to speak.  They are editors, contributing editors, published authors, etc. -- in a nutshell, they are basically everything that I aspire to be but have not been able to accomplish, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how I got placed in with them.  If you think I am exaggerating, go through the list below and visit some of their sites.  That guy Mike, down near the bottom of the list?  Yeah, he was co-host on a show on the Science Channel. 





2012 Kenmore Blogger's Summit Attendees


A Busy Crockpot Mom

Accidental Mommies

Adventures in Baby Wearing

Around My Family Table

Blissfully Domestic

Busy Dad Blog

Cash or Check Only

Chambana Moms

Crazy About My Baybah

Creative Kitchen Adventures

Digital Dads

Dr. Goddess

Formula Mom

Frosted Fingers

Jessica Gottlieb

Just Another Mommy Blog

Just Short of Crazy

Look What Mom Found… and Dad Too!

Love That Max

Macaroni Kid

Mama NYC

Meal Makeover Moms

Mike Senese

Mom Advice

Mom and More

Mom Start

Mommies Playground

Mommies with Cents

Mommy Confessions

One Scrappy Mom

Our Kids Mom

Rookie Moms

Sensibly Sara

The Divine Miss Mommy

The Mommy Insider

The Night Owl Mama

The Other Side of the Tortilla

The Red Neck Mommy

Whiskey in My Sippy Cup



No, I didn't link them all here. Do you have any idea how long that would take??! I only have a week to dye my hair, buy a bra, and find my self confidence that is hiding somewhere under layers of baby fat and jersey knits! Use this opportunity to hone your Google skills.

I KNEW it! I MATTER!!!

In a very exciting turn of events, I have been invited by Kenmore to participate in the 2012 Blogger's Summit in Chicago next weekend. 

When I first got the email, I thought "This cannot be real.  Did they send this to the wrong person, or is this a cruel joke?"  The email said that they wanted to fly me to Chicago, put me up in a hotel, feed me, and show me all kinds of amazing new Kenmore appliances and get my opinion on them.  Seriously?  Little ole' me??  But a little Google research informed me that, yes, it is real.  They did this last year.  I found several bloggers who had participated in 2011.  So I responded to the email with an enthusiastic"YES!!" and I finally got my flight info yesterday.  I am more than a little excited about this.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that I have an opinion about almost everything, so sharing my opinion will NOT be an issue.  Now, you might think that spending a weekend looking at washers, dryers, and refrigerators might not sound like much fun.  You would be wrong.  At least for me.  See, I am addicted to the "Expo" type shows on Food Network and other channels where they showcase all of the latest products.  I love the shows that show prototypes of new appliances, new products, all of it.  AND it's not like I will be the only one there. 

They are flying in about 20 other bloggers from all over the country.  (Squee!!)  So I will get to meet and rub elbows with a bunch of other bloggers/writers, trade secrets about generating more blog traffic, getting more followers, etc.  I may even be able to get some pointers about breaking into the publishing world (something that I would very much like to do), depending on who these other bloggers are. (I am hoping that they will send out a list of those attending so that I can get to know their blogs before I go).  And they are going to have presenters from Google+ and Wired, so there will be more good info there. 

I realized something else -- most of my favorite bloggesses are in Chicago. Moms Who Drink And Swear, I Want A Dumpster Baby, and Mary Tyler Mom among others. I think I follow about 10 Chicago Bloggers. The city and surrounding suburbs are FILLED with the wittiest, snarkiest, funniest, women I wish I knew. I find that I am thinking about the city as some kind of Mecca where all of the blogging gurus live. It is almost like this is my pilgrimage and I fully expect to come back enlightened to some blogging secrets that only those who have been to "The Windy City" are privy to.  It will me make me so much better just to be in their general vicinity, surely.

Seriously -- this is a BIG deal for me.  I never get to go anywhere.  I do not have a day-planner or a schedule app on my phone because, let's face it, what would I write in it?  "Tuesday -- wash whites & make dinner.  Wednesday -- wash towels and make dinner.  Everyday -- get up way too early, make school lunches, try to blog, act as chauffeur, referee, and tutor to all 4 kids, and make dinner..."  The husband is taking off 2 days from work so that I can do this.  I will get to go to Chicago -- somewhere I have never been -- and spend time with other bloggers hearing about and seeing things that are very interesting to me.  My degree is in English and Marketing -- this is right up my alley.

And they want my input!  Finally, someone is getting the hint that us mom-bloggers (and dad-bloggers, too) are not just people who get on the Internet and regurgitate our day.  We are intelligent, contributing members of society.  (Are you seeing this, Brian Grobman from "Anderson?")  We MATTER.  We are the ones who will research these products when it is time to get a new appliance, and we are the ones who will use them day in and day out.  So yeah, our opinions are pretty freakin' important.  And I am already working on my list of questions.

1)     When can we expect a washer that will automatically transfer the wet clothes into the dryer and turn it on?

2)     When will they invent a dryer that actually FOLDS the clothes for us?

3)     How about making a fridge that has a lock on it to keep my thieving kids out of it? (or me, when I'm on a diet?)

4)     How hard would it be to develop a line of real, working, kid-sized appliances so I could put my kids to work?

This is just a start, and reflect my general sarcastic nature, but I am sure that over the next week I will come up with a few more, even a couple of serious questions. 

I am also interested in hearing from you guys -- what would YOU like me to find out from Kenmore?  What questions or ideas do YOU have for them?  Comment here or send me a message, I promise I will do my best to come back with the answers. 

I can hardly wait until next Friday when I will board a flight bound for Chicago.  I am STOKED!

The Silver Fox Just Ain't What He Used To Be

So a few of you may remember that a few months ago I got an email from a producer at Anderson -- Anderson Cooper's Daytime talk show.  I got another one.  This is it:

Hello,

Hope all is well! Right now we were are working on a show about prenuptial agreements. We would love to hear back from you if you or someone you know has stories about these questions.

Do you have an opinion about pre-nuptial agreements, either for or against?

Do you have an opinion about couples who sign them and then regret it during their divorce?

Do you know someone whose life was impacted by a pre-nup?

We would love to hear from anyone and everyone! Please feel free to email me or call me at 212 275 8939. I hope to hear from you soon.

Brian
Brian Grobman
Anderson
1271 Avenue of the Americas // 16th Floor
New York, NY 10020

This is my response:

Hey Brian,
I do not know anyone who has a pre-nup. However, I have an opinion about
just about everything. I may try to blog about this subject. Since
opinions are never in short supply, you no doubt have a plethora of opinions
already. Should you be interested in mine, you can feel free to call me or
email me back. Good luck!
Ginger Caballero
Author, Counting Caballeros

First off, let me just say that unless you are an heiress or a prince or something, a pre-nup is a bad idea in my opinion.  I mean, what you are basically doing is saying that you expect to fail at married life; that either you or your chosen spouse isn't worthy.  I could see a pre-nup being a good idea if you were married, amassed vast wealth with your spouse and had kids, then were widowed and wanted to remarry.  A pre-nup would ensure that the wealth you and your late spouse had accrued would stay where you most likely intended it to go -- with your children.  But if you and your spouse are getting married and there are no children, there is no vast fortune, and there is not a throne involved, then you do not need a pre-nup.  Most pre-nups allow for each person to leave the marriage with what they brought into it and some division of the property or wealth that was earned together.  There are always exceptions or clauses that will make the agreement null and void, that will cause one person to forfeit their share, etc. 

At least that is what I have learned from watching lots and lots of television.

See, there is a huge gap in my friends list where all of the heiresses and royalty are supposed to go, so I don't really have any specific experience with pre-nups. 

Secondly, and more importantly, WHY is this a show topic?  Is this the same Anderson Cooper who has won awards for his reporting?  The same one known as "The Silver Fox?"  The winner of 5 Emmy Awards for outstanding journalism??  Why is he turning into Jerry Springer?

Seriously, I am curious why this highly intellegent, hard-hitting journalist who has covered stories from Beirut to the tsunami in Sri Lanka to hurricane Katrina, feels the need to "dumb it down" now that he is on daytime television.  I honestly do not know why networks believe that stay-at-home parents only want to see paternity tests, cheating spouses, and messy divorces.  I, for one, would love to see some useful stories about current events.  See, when the news is on in the evening, I am helping with homework, making dinner, and getting 4 kids in the bath and into bed.  So when I am folding laundry during the day (hey, I do that sometimes), I'd love to see a respected journalist like Anderson Cooper cover stories about the presidential candidates and their platforms (not about their sex scandal and drug abuse), or about controversial bills before congress, or about anything that I might hear about on CNN, Headline News, or MSNBC, but with more real opinions from other people just like me -- parents.  Sprinkle in a crock-pot recipe here and there, a story on how and where to do a family vacation on a budget, and an organizational tip or 2 and you'd have daytime television gold!  The sensational crap will still be there for those who want it -- Judge Joe Brown, and Jerry Springer aren't going anywhere. 

So if you are reading this Brian Grobman from "Anderson" -- fire your creative team.  Hire a few stay-at-home moms and dads to advise you and Anderson on acceptable and interesting show topics.  I told you last time you asked for my opinion that you need a panel of parent-bloggers to be on your show and that I could help you find some.  That offer still stands.

The Eye Of The Storm

Friday night I had some friends over.  Just a couple of my mom friends and their kids.  We shared some laughs, the kids were insane -- just a normal Friday night at our house.  One by one the moms went home, the last one leaving around 2am.  All the kids slept over.  Which means that I had 8 kids 10 and under spending the night.  At 4am I finally made the boys turn off the video games and go to bed.  They were all up before 9 Saturday morning.  I seriously do not know where kids get their energy, but I sure would like some.  I needed massive amounts of coffee.  And a few tranquilizer darts.  And a Valium. 

I love being the house that all the kids want to be at.  I love the noise, the laughter, the banging of feet on the stairs, the whole thing.  However, every time we do this, I am also incredibly thankful that we only have 4 kids.  Seriously, I am half nuts most of the time and I am quite certain that 4 more kids of my own would have pushed me over the edge.  It is great to have these kids, that I love like my own, to come and spend time here, but I am also very grateful when they all go home. 

That night while us moms were all sitting around the table, laughing and talking, there was bedlam going on all around us.  It became painfully clear who the moms were who only had one kid.  There were 3 of us:  me, one mom with 2 kids, and 2 moms with one kid each.  The light fixture above us, directly under the playroom, was literally jumping.  I was amused by the way the two moms of only children were freaked out by all of this while me and the other mom were completely oblivious to the noise.  We could tune it out.  The screaming, the banging, the thumping of feet on the stairs -- all of it.  We were able to carry on a conversation while the other 2 moms looked nervous, yelled up to the kids like "Calm down!" or "What's going on??!" 

It was sort of liberating, actually.  Knowing that as "easy" as I often think the moms of just one kid have it day to day, they were all keyed up by the crazy and I was able to completely relax in the midst of all of the noise and chaos....like the eye of the storm.  I think that is an excellent metaphor for a mother; specifically a mother of many.  I tried to compose a poem about mothers as the eye of the storm, but I only completed a little of it and I really needed a nap now after all of the extra kids went home.  I may try to finish it someday, but I'll share what I've done so far:

The Eye Of The Storm

The eye of the storm is a place of refuge

The eye of the storm is calm

The eye of the storm is still in the deluge

The eye of the storm is warm

In the eye of the storm is a place of comfort

In the eye of the storm you rest

The eye of the storm is in the arms of your mother

The embrace of the one who loves you best

Confessions Of A Snark Queen

I have had blog envy over the past week or so -- where everything that I have read (and I read a lot) is better than what I have written.  I am trying to remember that my blog is MY therapy.  It is supposed to be for ME.  I love to write for all of you, but this began as my outlet from the everyday grind of Nick Jr. and Pop Tarts.  I keep expecting it to be "perfect" and that is the one thing that it can never be because for good or bad, this blog is a reflection of ME.  And I am far from perfect.  So remember that...

This post is actually 3 posts that were very similar that I attempted to edit into one cohesive post. I am afraid that I have fallen short because I am quite certain that you can see the seams....apologies.  Regardless of how incoherent it may be, I hope it makes you think.

I have a confession to make. Apparently, I am a bully.

No, I don't follow people smaller than me and beat them up, and I don't belittle the smart people, or make fun of the people with weight problems, or those with less money, or any of that. I call a spade a spade, so to speak, and I have a lot of opinions. Some of my opinions are widely accepted by others, some are not. Some of them are based on commonly accepted social norms, some on religious preferences, and some on the fact that I am not just like every one else.  I am educated and I express myself extremely well (most of the time).  My verbal filter sometimes has holes that allow my random thoughts to escape my lips (or flow through to my typing hands). This is what makes me a bully.


We talk a lot in our society about honesty. 

Be true to yourself. 

Speak the truth -- even if your voice shakes. 

Don't be fake. 

Don't let others define who you are. 

But then as soon as someone says what is on their mind or speaks the truth, we call them a bully.  Or, as I was recently referred to -- the "Snark Queen." 

I am blessed with a quick wit.  When I was a teenager, this made me a popular, yet rather mean kid.  It almost always started out as a defensive weapon -- either as a way to defend myself, my friends, or someone that I thought was being unjustly picked on.  I could use my words like a razor -- they would cut down the person they were directed towards with brutal efficiency.  But the more I used my sarcasm and wit, the quicker the retorts would pop into my head.  By the time I was well into my teens, I did not have to be provoked to start spewing the sarcasm.   I would not say that I was exactly malicious it was more like I was clumsy with the use of my words.  I would think that something was funny and I would blurt it out.  Thankfully, as I matured, I learned more about the power of my words -- how they could hurt -- and I learned a little self control.  As an adult, I am able to look back on some of the things that I said to people and see how hurtful they were to an awkward teen who was still trying to discover who they were.  I have apologized to some friends that I verbally bullied and let them know that I now see what I didn't see then -- that although I wasn't trying to be, I was a bully.  I am now equally capable of using my words to wrap hurting friends in comfort, or to tickle them into hysterics.  I still have that razor sharp wit and it whirls and dances around in my head with all of the things I COULD say but know I shouldn't.  (Which is why I blog anonymously here all of the snark that I think, but do not use....)

Although there are acts that are most definitively bullying, there is no clear or definite definition for what constitutes "verbal or emotional bullying" so everyone uses this ambiguity to their advantage.  Speaking the truth, without malice has become bullying. Stating an opinion is bullying. Giving someone a mean look -- intentional or not -- has been called bullying. It has gotten a little ridiculous. Bullying is very hard to define absolutely because it is not an absolute. It is dependant upon so many intangibles like human emotions, intentions, and perceptions. What you PERCEIVE may be in direct conflict with what I INTEND.   Am I saying that bullying is okay?   Not at all. There are many instances of when it gets out of hand -- it is not recognized or it is purposefully ignored and the outcome can be tragic.   



The problem is, bullying has become a "cause," a buzz-word, a catalyst -- it has become a weapon of bullying in and of itself.  Politicians use it to bolster their campaign platforms, social advocates use it to silence the opposition, and parents use it to excuse their kids' behaviors. 


I think that as a society, we have become so focused on making everyone feel good that we have become a bunch of liars. I do not mean that I think that we should go around just blurting out every random thought that pops into our head, but I think that there is a point where "tact" becomes a "lie" and people don't seem to know what that is anymore. When I ASK for an opinion, it means that I really want your opinion -- I don't want you to lie to me. It bothers me when people say "Do you want the truth?" because it makes it seem like there are only certain times that the truth is given. Like when I ask for it.  We have become so concerned about not offending anyone, that we cannot speak the truth without fear of the repercussions.  Having an opinion that differs from the socially accepted norm and voicing that opinion out loud gets you labeled as a bully.  Saying that someone is being an idiot when they are actually being an idiot, can get you in trouble for bullying.

I hope that I am not really a bully.  But if society wants to define bullying as being honest or standing up for what YOU believe is true and right, for speaking your mind, or for openly being who you are, then I guess I am a bully.  Sometimes it is hard to hold my tongue even when I know I should.  Being a smart and educated woman with a sharp tongue that I must constantly keep in check is an easy burden to bear as long as I can dump all of the snark here.  I try to reserve my snark for those who deserve it -- teachers who pick on my kids, politicians, those who think that they're better than everyone else and need to be knocked off their pedestals. 

And yes, sometimes I proudly wear the crown of the "Snark Queen."

Please Stop Ruining The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

I wrote this post a little over a week ago and I wasn't going to post it because I thought it was a little too snarky for the Holidays, but this morning all I have seen on TV is all of these stupid Christmas commercials.  And since this post was basically done, I figured I'd go ahead and share it with you all. 

Do me a favor and go ahead and click the flashing thing over there that says "Vote For Me On Top Mommy Blogs."  All you have to do is click on it and your vote is cast.  I have given up on winning any of the Blogger's Choice Awards that I was nominated for, but I'd love to get back into the Top 25 on Top Mommy Blogs for Christmas! 

I hope that each and everyone of you has a blessed and Merry Christmas, and I hope that you have enjoyed my ranting and raving and complaining this year.  I promise that there will be more to come in 2012!!

I love Christmas.  It is my absolute favorite time of the year.  I love everything about the holidays -- I love buying presents, I love decorating the tree (usually at my mom's house), I love the food, the family -- all of it.  I love to listen to my Christmas CD's while I bask in the glow of the artificial lights on my tree.  There is nothing better than Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, and Ella Fitzgerald belting out the beautiful songs of the season -- it makes me happy.

You know what DOESN'T make me happy?  Stupid commercials that ruin my favorite Christmas music.  This year's biggest offender is Verizon.  I swear if I hear their "Walkin' in a 4G Wonderland" commercial one more time I might have to throat punch a pink haired elf.  And is it just me?  Or does that song sound an awful lot like they are singing about some magical land of debauchery -- "An Orgy Wonderland?"  Why must companies do this?  I picture some really bad boardroom back in July where a bunch of corporate sellouts sit around thinking up ways to ruin Christmas songs by changing the lyrics to fit their products.  I get the idea -- I have a degree in marketing -- they want consumers to see and hear their commercials and recognize the song and have it drilled into your subconscious so that when you sing the song to yourself you automatically revert to their horrible lyrics. But it doesn't make me want to buy their products.  It makes me all stabby feeling.

I do recall, however, one instance where this worked.  Garmin did a commercial featuring "The Carol of The Bells" and let's face it, no one outside of a choir knows the real lyrics to that song anyway.  And I still can't hear that song without singing "Gotta, gotta, get a Garmin" instead of "Merry, merry, merry Christmas" at the end.

But it isn't just the music.  The car commercials just kill me.  One of my Facebook friends posted something about the Lexus ads that really struck a chord with me:  "Ok really, who buys their spouse a $50,000.00 car for X-mas. Hey honey I went and bought you a Lexus for X-mas and the first $1,100 payment is due in 2 weeks. Go ahead and budget that in."  All I could think was "For real!"  I hate car commercials like that with the big red bow on the roof of the car -- who does that?  No one that I know.  At least the people over at Honda recognize the downturn in the economy -- their Christmas commercial is about buying "A Honda Certified USED Car."  Riiiiiight....Because I can afford to spend $15-20K on Christmas for ONE person.  I spent about $500 TOTAL on Christmas this year for EVERYONE and that was excessive and will require me to forgo any trips to Sonic or Starbucks for the next few months.


The Toys R Us Ads about "The lowest prices of the season!" every freakin' weekend make me think that the prices will go continually lower until the last weekend of the season before the New Year's ads start with all of their new markdowns. And their "2-Day Sale" ads make me and my kids hear "Tooting Sale" causing hours of fart jokes from the 10-year old and snorts of laughter from the 3 year old. Yaaaaaaaaaay.

And I swear on all that is Christmas if I have to hear one more exclamation that "He went to Jared" I am going to lose my mind.  No one I know went to Jared.  They went to Target, or Wal-Mart, or Amazon.  And after all of their annoying commercials about the guys who went to Jared and the female GPS that FORCES the driver to go to Jared (all I can think of is the movie "Christine" when I see that crap), if my husband ever went to Jared I'd be pissed.


Then there are the commercials that try to pull on your heartstrings and make you feel all sentimental and mushy. I'll admit, there have been Hallmark commercials that make me reach for the Kleenex, but there are many of them that fall horribly short. The ones with Dr. Quinn and her "If you leave your heart open, love can always find its way in" diamond pendants make me want to slap her in her big cheesy grinning mouth. And since we are talking about jewelry, let me address the biggest marketing scam of all time -- Chocolate Diamonds. Really, ANY colored diamonds. Diamonds, for millennia, have been graded on their purity and their clarity. So when a diamond was dark or dingy it was crap. Well, kudos to the marketing genius that came up with the whole colored diamond scam. And chocolate diamonds are so far away from diamonds that they are basically shiny rocks. No offense to you if you happen to like shiny rocks, I just don't like them or the fact that they call them diamonds.


No company is immune -- Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Kohl's, Macy's, Sears, Penney's, etc.  They ALL have obnoxious sales touting the "Lowest prices of the year on top name brands!"  There are BOGO sales, door buster sales, midnight madness sales, and cyber sales.  There are coupons in your Sunday paper for extra discounts on top of the sales and if you sign up for their store credit card there are even MORE sales.  After all that, you'd think there would be some free crap (There's not, by the way.  I checked.)

The truth is, nothing kills my Christmas spirit and brings out my inner snark more than the Christmas commercials.  Christmas is commercial enough without having advertisers whore it up for us.    I am extremely thankful for my DVR which allows me to bypass all of the commercials because all of the ads make me a Scrooge.

Santa Mom

Today's post is for all of my fellow Santa Moms out there.  I wrote this variation on "Twas The Night Before Christmas" earlier this week, and I was going to wait to post it on Christmas Eve.  But, I started really thinking about it and I realized that the closer we get to Christmas, the less time all of us Santa Moms are going to have to sit around reading blogs -- no matter how awesome they are.  So I am posting it now so you will have plenty of time to read it and share it and promote it before you actually live it.  I know that many moms have a dad to help like I do, but there have been many years when the dad at this house was working the night before Christmas, and since I am a control freak, I generally don't let him do anything anyway. 

(Don't forget to vote by clicking that flashing button over there, please!)

Twas the night before Christmas

There was so much to do

Santa Mom sighed

Wondering when she'd be through

There were toys to assemble

Still presents to wrap

And all of those stockings

Had to be stuffed full of crap.

She put the minions to bed

And she sat and she waited

Until the giggles and whispers

Had completely abated

She put on the coffee

And as it was brewing

She got out her list

And she got straight to doing.

Cross-legged on the floor

She laid out the parts

Instructions and diagrams

And the insanity starts

There's German and French

Italian, Chinese

Where in the hell

Are the ENGLISH ones PLEASE?

Pieces A4 and B6

Are supposed to fit tight

C7 and 8 are just

Not looking right.

She stares at the picture

On the front of the package

And then down at the pile

To see how close the match is

There are some extra screws

And a washer or two

She drops those in the junk drawer

Beside the Super Glue

The toy is together

Just took a few hours

She gets ready to summon

Her Santa Mom powers

She stands staring down at

The thing she'd assembled

She thought how to wrap it

And she literally trembled

It won't go in a box

It won't fit 'neath the tree...

A trash bag and a bow!

"Looks good to me!"

Onto the next task

She must make haste

Christmas morning is coming

There's no time to waste!

The scissors are flying

There's tape in her hair

There's bows on her butt

And she just doesn't care

She pours "Santa's milk" in her coffee

And eats all the cookies

A crucial step

Often missed by the rookies.

She fills the all the stockings

Even dad's, dog's, and her own

The den looks like its been hit

By a Christmas cyclone

She collapses in bed

All done with her work

But before she drifts off

She sits up with a jerk

That damn Elf on the Shelf

Has to be put away

She was supposed to go back

In Santa's big sleigh.

A few hours later

The kids jump on her bed

She's grabbed by the hand

And to the den she is led

With so little sleep

She should be a grouch

But dad hands her her coffee

And she sinks into the couch

The packages she wrapped

Late into the night

Were attacked by the kids

And ripped open on sight

The kids are excited

They scream and they squeal

And Santa Mom knows

It was worth the ordeal

The magic of Christmas

Preserved one more year

Made special by mom

For those she holds dear

Who cares if the kids

Think Santa did all that crap

With legions of elves

To get the presents all wrapped?

One day they will know

It wasn't a fat man in a suit

Who created the the magic

And gave them their loot

She may not wear red

Or fly through the night

But Santa Mom knows

How to make Christmas bright.